And Spike is: drum roll.....

Spike is: Very rare cluster of benign-appearing cells consistent with degenerated acinar cells.

What ever the hell that means. What it means is Spike is not Cancer. 

I think it means confused angry Parodit tissue. 

So why is Spike swelling? 

I received my 2013 MRI in the mail. We were able to find Spike on it. Appearing smaller to the very untrained eye. 

More test, more questions. But not cancer. 

Keep living and hurry up and wait.

While I wait the biggest challenge seems to be to keep living. This is a battle I am familiar with. This time it feels different but the premise is the same. I feel horrible I probably look horrible but rest is not going to change that so I have to find a way to live while I wait.

New symptoms arise but honestly I wonder how much they are related to the stress hormones in my body right now and the fear.

I am so grateful to my husband and his ability to juggle so much. I am grateful that I have the luxury of being at home and just doing what I can manage. I am grateful to my friends and my community.  I think that's the difference between the stress and anxiety I am feeling now vs.  how I felt when the black dog was around. Both feel heavy and hard but I can feel those feelings of gratitude. It's not a logical understanding that I have things to be grateful for, it is actually feeling it.

I am also angry and frusterated and cranky.  I wanted to loose weight but this not being able to eat thing is not really optimal for keeping a smile on my face. I really like food. I miss it. My stomach however has decided food is mostly not welcome.  I suppose this is a way to break my stress eating habbit.

Music,  listening to it and playing it go a long way to reduce stress hormones. A friend has graciously offered use of her piano and some help.  This is something I have always wanted to learn.  With some luck I can work to reduce stress and learn a skill.

Music is NOT my strong suit. I don't expect to find a hidden talent here but maybe I can learn chop sticks.

I leave you with two links today an article from Web MD on making music and stress management. 

https://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/features/how-making-music-reduces-stress

And 21 Pilots - stressed out.

https://youtu.be/pXRviuL6vMY

The second opinion

My experience with the ENT vs my stand in GP was night and day.

The way both doctor's read the report was different. The way both doctor's explained the report was different. EVEN what each doctor noted to be bone or tissue was different.

The ENT claims the report states I have no right Parodit gland and he hypothesis that the mass they are seeing is indeed my Parodit gland. The GP read the exact same line to mean that I DO have a Parodit gland it's just not normal and the mass is a lot of extra Parodit tissue. She pointed to the same places on the MRI as evidence to her theory and noted calcification as further evidence.

 Once again leaving me feeling validated. The ENT left me feeling like he was patting me on the head saying " don't worry your pretty little head"  I am sensitive to that.  I don't think I am scared any more. Both doctor's for different reasons believe it's very unlikely that they will find cancer.  I should probably still consider my bucket list.

For so long I have been battling depression my number one goal has been to be alive. Just live. Be present and be free of the weight of depression that I honestly never thought past that. I only recently started to trust I was there.


I recently started to feel safe to bring people into my life with out fear the black dog would drive them away. I only recently started trying to reconect with those I am sure the black dog drove away.  I have just been enjoying being alive so much that doing laundry and cleaning my house with out that weight is still novel.  I have my Son, my husband, my dog and my home, my friends and the black dog is gone. I am just starting to experience life with out that. I can't imagine what else I could want other than more of that. I worked too hard for too long to have this taken away by my body.  Ok so maybe still a little bit afraid.

I am afraid to be judged for being afraid. I am ashamed that I am sick.

Shame is a powerful emotion and helps feed fear which can often catch me in a loop and stop me from living.


I leave you with a short read on shame

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201802/the-two-factors-which-give-shame-its-great-power

ENT follow up.

Today I met with my ENT.

Spike is not so simple. As if cancer is a simple answer.
The ENT is unsure as to what Spike is. He feels strongly that Spike is not cancer. He has a hypothesis which is Spike is a parodit gland in the wrong spot swelling.

This was suprisingly frusterating to hear. Not the part where Spike is likely not cancer but that lack of certianty as to what Spike is. There are still to many ifs. If he is confused Parodit tissue or a Parodit gland, why is he swelling. Why the changes in my face?

The next step is to biopsy Spike.

I found the complete difference between the radiology report and the doctor a bit difficult to wrap my head around. I was prepared with questions I was prepared to create a plan. Now I am lost in a sea of "if".

Nothing is ever simple and I would rather the right answer than rush to the wrong one.

A  study in 2009  showed cortisone levels while waiting for a biopsy were comparable to actually recieving a cancer diagnosis. http://radiology.rsnajnls.org/cgi/content/abstract/250/3/631

The New York times published an article on it https://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/25/health/25stress.html


 Biopsy is Monday.  One more week of waiting followed by 3-4 days.  I should be celebrating his optimism instead I am frusterated and ashamed I do not know what is happening in my own body.

This is Spike

I shouldn't be happy about Spike. In truth I am scared but also a bit validated.

Spike has been growing for sometime. From everything I have read given Spikes size he has been growing for about 8 years.  About the time I started complaining about being tired and sick a lot.

I have been diagnosed with a host of things and told often to accept my new reality. Virtigo, TMJ, Depressiom, Fybromyalgia, fatigue, bad additude, the list goes on. All the while Spike was growing stronger. Now Spike is 5 cm in size and could not be ignored any more.

Finally a CT scan was done of my sinuses. The ENT read the report of a small cyst, no actual infection and told me that was not the problem. Maybe I have a migraine.

I advocated for myself. Something I suck at doing but this time I got it right.

I asked him to look at the CT scan. That's when he saw what this radiologist and at least 2 others missed. Spike.

Spike is on the right side of my face. The right side of my face is fuller then it ever was before but because it used to be skinny it took a long time for Spike to be big enough for any one other than me to notice. I believed them that when I looked in the mirror things were distorted by depression. I believed them that I was tired because I was depressed. I believed them that I had a sinus problem. I believed them that I had vertigo.  Over and over again if you hear hoof beats think horse not Zebra.

ITS A FUCKING Zebra.

I guess I really am a unique snowflake.
Had my parodit gland been located in the correct place in my face Spike might have been noticed sooner.

So now I need to find out if Spike is cancer or just a lot of confused parodit gland cells. In this case and location 5 cm tumor is big and if cancer I am fucked. Like why the hell did I never make a bucket list fucked.  If I am not totally fucked and it's not cancer due to my unique facial structure I will need a specialized surgeon and reconstruction in my face. So yeah that sucks.

Radiologist suspects lymphoma or other Tumor according to the report. Let me tell you that is a scary line to read.  I won't lie my first thought was REALLY I just got finished stopping my brain from wanting to kill me now it turns out my body has been sneakily trying to do it. 

I suppose given I was only supposed to live to 3,  I had a good run. But still COME ON!

In all seriousness. I am scared. I have dealt with it this far by convincing myself from time time it's all in my head. I have to keep looking at the scan to make it real and even then I keep trying to convince myself it's an infection. So then I read the radiologist report. Today I actually go back to the ENT. I will of course make a joke about it being a migraine so that I don't cry.

Then he will tell me my next steps. Either way my next year of life is defined by surgery and recovery.

I leave you with Baba Brinkman

https://youtu.be/DFFyb5_PUCg